Not Really Living
by LexusGrey
Summary: Short piece, in which Zoe learns a thing or two from River.


Fandom: Firefly  
Pairing: River/Zoe  
Prompt: #005 "What do you want?"  
Word Count: 940  
Rating: PG-13  
Summary: River invades Zoe's solitude. Zoe POV.  
Spoilers: Serenity (the movie)

"What do you want?"

The phrase that had begun the deconstruction of my reality.

"We all came back except Zoe," River said, tilting her head and staring at me. She was in my bunk. My private bunk. Didn't even knock. Just came right on in.

"What the hell are you talking about, River? I'm right here," I said irritably, not in the mood for her riddles.

"Time passes, blood moves in veins, heart still beating but not the right way."

"River--" I started to raise my voice, caught off guard when she suddenly reached forward and laid her head over my heart. I froze.

"Still beating," she announced, picking her head up.

I wanted to slap her. Coming into my bunk, trying to tell me I'm not really living. She wasn't really living either, and there was nothin either of us could damn well do about it. "Go back to your brother," I said as calmly as I could muster.

"Tick tock, tick tock, time flies but not as fast for Simon as for the girl. Minutes are hours."

Funnily enough, that made sense to me. Time dragged on without Wash. Minutes for him, hours for me. That still didn't explain what the hell River was doing in my room. "What do you want?" I asked again.

"She hurts." River put her hands on her head, fingers threaded through her hair.

"So do I, little one, but life goes on." I wondered how many times I would have to ask what she wanted before I got an answer I could decipher. "Why are you here, honey?"

"He was part of her soul. He's gone, he took it with him. She's left empty, can't get the piece back because she doesn't believe in ghosts. They cut the girl's brain, took it out, gone. Understand?"

Of all the things in the gorram 'verse, she was trying to tell me that we're the same. My first instinct was to deny it - rally the troops and defend my right to be alone and unmatched in my misery. I didn't feel like sharin that with anyone else. That pain was mine, and it hurt like hell, but I'd rather hurt like hell than pretend I wasn't missing half my soul. Wash deserved better than that. "We ain't the same, honey."

"Same is exact. Even identical twins aren't the same. Nerves fire at different speeds and reach different places, they say different things. Same is impossible. Both missing pieces make a whole puzzle."

"I'm startin to think you want somethin from me," I said, getting tired of this game. "I'm fixin to go to bed, so say what you need to say and leave me be."

"Words fill the air. Easy to blow them away, one breath and they're gone."

"Right," I said, shaking my head. "I'm too tired for this. Go on to your r--"

I'll be, that girl is slick. Before I got my sentence out, she was kissin me. I shoved her off roughly, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand and I turned right around, leaning on my bed for support. Couldn't breathe. Her lips felt too good. I choked back a sob, the last time Wash kissed me surrounding me like a blanket.

"He wants you to be happy." River's voice was small, sounded far away. But I heard her.

"You don't know what he wants!" I screamed, pounding a fist into the mattress beneath me, and the dam broke. I slumped down onto the bed, feeling sick in my stomach as I cried for the first time since Wash left me. River was right - we both had missing pieces that we couldn't get back.

I felt a weight on the bed behind me, then a warm body against mine, River's arm over my waist, pulling me tight. Felt her cheek against the back of my shoulder, then wet. She was crying too. Felt a little bit good to cry. "I was gonna let the Reavers have me," I said, my voice gravelly and thick with grief.

"I know," River said, kissing my shoulder. It was the first thing she'd said all night that I didn't have to wade through layers of code and metaphor to understand. It was just me, talkin to a girl, and a girl talkin to me. "Tough man said no."

I could still feel the concrete under my body as Jayne dragged me back behind the line of fire. I was a weak soldier, I gave up. Soldiers never give up. In the shiny light of day, I felt a disgrace to my crew. My friends. Family, really.

River was the last person I'd expect to seek me out and push me to confront my reality. She was scattered, fragile, unpredictable and volatile... and so gorram sweet it made my teeth ache. She held me all night long and refused to let me go, and in the morning when I woke up, I was alone in my bed, and she'd left a note on my night table.

Zoe,

Sometimes we have to walk before we can crawl. Sometimes the thunder comes before the lightning, and sometimes we have to scream before we can talk. I feel you inside me like a song.

Love, River

And what response could I give to that, besides a smile? She was so confusing even when she made sense. But I knew what she meant. She had a funny way of sayin things, but I understood most of 'em once I got to know how she ticks. And right now, it was time to start livin again.

Fin


End file.
